these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
