I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
