I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
