I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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