Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
