you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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