I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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