you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
