I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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