Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
