rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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