i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
