Will you blow on my dice?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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