JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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