I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
