I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
