i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
