Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it was like eating out sand paper
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
