My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
