It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
