You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
