Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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