dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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