The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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