____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
