When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She bit a glass in half.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
