I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Randomize
