I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
