Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
