I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
