I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
