My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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