Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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