The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
