As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
