how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
