when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
