And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
