if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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