I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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