Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Sext me about skeletons
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
