i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
