On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Vodka?
Forever.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
