Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
