i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
