Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
