I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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