If i come over, it means nothing
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
