He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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