I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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