call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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