You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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