I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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