If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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